I Got Nachos And You Didn’t


Four months ago, on this website, I wrote a column bashing fans for being cynical buttlords and overall mean people over the Rockies.

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Their hastiness to crush any positivity and attack anyone still attending games was embarrassing to me and the identity that Rockies fans had created (one of an us vs. them mentality) was appalling to someone who had lived and grown up with Denver sports.

Sports, for so many people, are a way to connect us to each other. Humans are not solitary creatures, they long for community and connection, they go out of their way to find it with even the smallest of interests.

Sports are a large interest and a large community, you’re more likely to find friends through sports than nearly anything else in this country. For a large chunk of the people within these sport communities, they simply gather to love the game and connect to it through those emotions and memories.

But a growing number of people within the sports community have begun to connect through something different, something terrible. A large amount of people now connect through their incessant whining.

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Too many people have connected their self-esteem to sports. A winning team doesn’t just make them feel good it validates their existence. They act as though being a fan of a winner somehow gives them greater opinions in an argument, a winning team isn’t just a fun team to watch for them during the season it’s something that makes them better than fans of a losing team.

So when a team, like the Rockies, loses a lot of fans get upset. How could they not? This losing team has taken away the high ground in arguments against fans of teams like the Yankees or the Red Sox or even those dreaded Giants! They can’t engage in banter with their common fan because the team they cheer for is so bad! It’s a cruel fate that numerous Rockies fans have taken as a personal attack on their very existence.

Could you imagine? Having a bad team for five entire seasons? Truly a fate worse than death for these people.

When these fans get upset, they begin to justify their whiny garbage with things like “we deserve a good team” or “our taxes paid for that stadium.” Which are really just entitled whiny sentences that cover what they actually want to say which is “My life isn’t very good so the success of 25 athletic, rich strangers directly affects my confidence and self-esteem as a grown ass adult.”

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After I wrote this article I got a large response and most of it was good! Sure there were people who decided to spend hours of their day whining about me in the comment section, sure there was some guy that attempted to Beetlejuice me on Facebook and wasted precious minutes of his time to say I’m the worst writer he’s ever had the displeasure of reading. Sure, Woody Paige mispronounced this blog’s name on his internet show. But there was also this: The Rockies bought me nachos.

Yeah, man. Shortly after the article posted the team reached out to me over social media and we hashed out a plan. Two weeks ago, in a game against the San Francisco Giants, this plan came to fruition. The Rockies purchased me a helmet full of nachos. If you’re keeping score at home that’s Connor: 1 free nachos, Cynical ButtLord Whiner Squad: 0 free nachos.

I love to think that one of you is reading this and is getting upset that I would accept nachos from the team and how that automatically discredits any opinion I have in the future, I really do. Spit whatever hate you have, I enjoyed the heck out of those nachos and you can never take that away from me. I sat there in Section 159 and ate them with two of my best friends on Earth and we laughed at how angry and cynical you jagbags are.

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Later, I was on the Rooftop drinking beer and met some of my oldest friends and we laughed about the comments, we laughed about the stupid things you say. Then we scooped some chicken onto a cheese covered chip and ate it, it was freaking delicious.

It was a great time, one of the best memories of my life all things considered. I wouldn’t trade it for a thing. I got to be around people I love, people I’ve grown with, people who I would die for. And I got to do it while eating nachos and making fun of you cynical doofuses who spend your days angry at men you’ll never meet.

Enjoy the rest of the season, I know I will. See you in the comments.

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