If You Don’t Vote For Tulo, You’re a Dodgers Fan


And there’s no worse thing to be.

Last night, the All-Star final vote contest was announced with Rockies star shortstop Troy Tulowitzki being placed along with MVP Clayton Kershaw, hometown team ace Johnny Cueto, a Cardinals pitcher that I don’t care about, and some other guy from the Mets.

The basis of the contest is for fans of these players to vote as many times as possible to put one of these guys into the All-Star game and is a good way for the MLB to increase their social media brand as you can vote with hashtags.

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I’m here to tell you to vote for Troy Tulowitzki.

Maybe you don’t think Troy is more deserving over Clayton Kershaw who is in the midst of another fine season in LA, maybe you don’t think Troy’s season has been good enough (you’re wrong by the way), maybe you just like voting for Cardinals players because you actually hate good things. Whatever you’re reason I’m here to tell you to shut up, stop voting for those other idiots, and vote for Tulo.

“But Connor,” you’re probably saying to yourself as you read this. “Tulo has had a terrible year by his standards, his offensive production isn’t where it should be and he’s actually been poor defensively compared to what he has done.”

Yeah, that’s probably true. Troy’s K rate has shot up to 20%, he doesn’t walk like he used to, and his ISO power has dropped 100 points. You can make a pretty solid argument that the Rockies offense has been at its worst in a decade this season and Troy has been as much a part of that as anyone else in the lineup.

But check the facts, folks. Type it into your google machine and you’ll see even in a down year Tulowitzki is an elite shortstop.

Part of that is because shortstop is the weakest position in the major leagues this year, BUT ALSO part of it is because even when he’s having a tough year, Troy is a very good player worthy of playing in the All-Star game.

He’s second amongst shortstops in batting average (behind Iglesias), he’s fourth in home runs (behind two other All-Stars and Wilmer Flores), he’s second in the NL in ISO (behind All-Star Brandon Crawford), and he’s FIRST in wOBA (weighted on base average). Troy’s putting up very good numbers even in a year that’s mostly been disappointing for him, he’s still in the top tier of shortstops in all of baseball and it’s still not even a close discussion that pretty much any team in the majors would prefer to have Tulo than their lump of garbage shortstop.

So why should you vote for Tulowitzki over guys like Kershaw, Cueto, and that Cardinals guy that I don’t care about?

Well, you love puppies don’t you?

I know I do. Which is why I decided just now that a vote for Troy Tulowitzki is a vote in support of puppies and a vote for anyone else is a vote against puppies.

So let’s check the facts, Tulo is actually good and not bad, Tulo deserves to be in the All-Star Game, and a vote against Tulo is actually a vote against cute, lovable puppies.

Pretty easy decision here, I would say.

Clayton Kershaw actually just texted me, just now in fact, and he told me to tell you he doesn’t like your mom. He thinks she’s annoying and that her cookies aren’t very good.

Are you going to let Clayton Kershaw talking about your own mother like that and then vote him into an All-Star Game? You’re just going to be ok with someone dirtbagging your mom like that? Jeez, I don’t think I would let that happen. If Clay said that to me I’d probably be a little angry, I certainly wouldn’t vote for him to play in the All-Star game considering that should be an honor for players that don’t just go bashing random moms.

If I were you and I wanted to get back at Clayton Kershaw for dissing my mom like he’s Kevin Garnett, I would vote for Troy Tulowitzki so many freakin’ times. I would vote for him so many times my phone company asks why I texted 89269 (nice) so many times! I would hit N5 (the number to vote for Tulo) so many times my iPhone would have little dent on the screen where those numbers are!

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I would go to the Rockies website and vote for Troy Tulowitzki so many times that my computer would light on fire.

That’s what you should do, in my opinion.

Because that’ll really show him, he’ll be sorry he ever crossed paths with you or your beautiful, caring mother.

Vote Tulowitzki.

For your mother’s sake.