Connor Farrell Presents: The Connor Farrell Awards Part 2

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The Connor Farrell Awards: Part Two, Connor Farrell Harder.

Welcome back to the First Annual Connor Farrell Awards, a tradition unlike any other.

These final three awards are the most coveted awards in sports, players have been fighting hard for these awards that they don’t know exist, and it’s been a real race to claim them even though they were just invented a few days ago.

Let’s continue with the show.

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The Jake Shapiro Award for Best Tweet

Twitter is the best thing to ever happen to social media and because of that it is actually one of the worst things to happen to the planet.

Everyone on twitter gets to shout their opinion, but that’s not the worst part, the worst part is they all act like they’re the first person to have this particular opinion. Imagine a room and in this room is around five hundred people and all 500 of these people are speaking their opinions, that sounds awful right? Well now imagine that about 430 of these people all share the same opinion, you would think that would stop a few of them from talking right? Haha, you’d think that wouldn’t you?

Well on twitter nobody ever stops talking. Everyone just circles up and starts saying the same things like six thousand times and then they all retweet each other and then after like an hour they decide they’ve changed everyone’s mind to their way of thinking and take the rest of the day off.

Mixed in with the garbage are some funny people. Most of these funny people are on the website to joke around with friends and overall generate content that their friends like. They have opinions and stuff but they generally just stick to making people laugh about how dumb the world is.

It’s named after Jake Shapiro (@Shapalicious) because he’s a good tweeter on Rockies twitter and generally just sticks to making people laugh about how dumb the world is.

This year’s winner for Best Tweet is from Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) for this gem.

If you don’t know who Jaden Smith is (what!) he is Will Smith’s son who was homeschooled and turned out to be a teenager with a penchant for capitalizing every word and trying way too hard to be philosophical.

All things considered, Jaden is like most teens. He thinks he can solve the world’s problems, he thinks he’s way smarter than he is, he makes out with Jenner girls, really things we all did as teens.

The difference between Jaden and every teen ever is that Jaden is a famous movie star with famous movie star parents. Jaden also has been homeschooled that he can never be wrong, which is something you should never tell a teenager.

But I love this tweet because of what it infers. Yeezy’s are shoes that cost hundreds of dollars. I just googled them now and the cheapest one I could find is 219 bucks. That means Jaden has cried in the back of an Uber at least 200 times.

I lived in New York City for nine months, while there I took an Uber pretty much every weekend, sometimes multiple Ubers to different destinations. In the nine months I was there I probably took 60 Ubers. So it makes sense that Jaden would take 200 Ubers a year, he probably takes more Ubers than me, but what is odd is that he would cry in every single Uber.

What is making Jaden Smith cry so much? Is it the low price and convenience? Is it that Uber is generally terrible to their drivers? Is it that he wishes he could just get his own car?

This mystery surrounding this tweet is why it wins tweet of the year. It’s not sports related but it’s truly, astoundingly, good.

The Joe Koshansky Award

Joe Koshansky is someone nobody remembers. The guy came up in the Rockies system in the mid 2000s and was looking extremely likely to replace Todd Helton as the first baseman of the future. He fizzled out, like so many players do, and never became anything but it’s fun to think about those kinda players sometimes.

His award is given to the player that garnered the most weird hype for not being very good. This isn’t a bust per se, just a player that got talked about even though he really didn’t show any reason to be talked about prior to fizzling out.

This year’s Joe Koshansky award goes to Rafael Ynoa.

After a good spring in Arizona, a lot of people (including me) thought Ynoa had the opportunity to provide some real bench depth on the infield. With Descalso there to fill in on any Tulo off days, Ynoa could pinch hit or be a defensive replacement in any position on the diamond.

So he garnered a little bit of hype as a super utility guy, a poor man’s Ben Zobrist.

He turned out to be the Medieval Poor Man’s Ben Zobrist. So poor he lived in squalor and was consistently beaten down by richer men who would never let him succeed.

Ynoa’s been bad, not bad enough that you’re mad about it, but bad enough that any time he’s used as a pinch hitter you sigh loudly and crack open a Coors.

He shouldn’t have gotten hype at all, when he made the club we should’ve just gone “oh ok we are going to be bad this year” but instead the smell of spring and the 0-0 record made us dream.

We are stupid, stupid people.

Congrats Rafa, you earned it.

The Connor Farrell All-Handsome Team

If you follow me on twitter, you know I love to talk about handsome men.

It’s nothing sexual, it’s just part of the way I pick on the over whelming masculinity issues that the sports culture has. The masculinity issues that yell at female sports writers, the masculinity issues that force them to defend Jon Papelbon for choking out a dude, the masculinity issues that lead to people criticizing a player for taking paternity leave. Those kinds of issues.

Sports are filled with dudes who are so uncomfortable with being perceived as less masculine that it’s fun to play on that and announce which men are good looking.

With that, I give our final award, the All-Handsome team.

Manager: Brad Ausmus

Catcher: Buster Posey

First Base: Ben Paulsen

Second Base: Joe Panik

Shortstop: JJ Hardy

Third Baseman: Nolan Arenado

OF: Kris Bryant

OF: Kevin Kiermaier

OF: Bryce Harper

P: Chris Archer

Congrats to all of these players, unfortunately it is not up for debate of any kind. Also, the Handsome Player of the Year is…Kevin Kiermaier. Congrats to Kevin on his awards and his incredible defense and also his lovely eyes.

Thanks for attending this year’s Connor Farrell Awards, presented by Connor Farrell. Tune in next year, we have guest speaker Jaden Smith.

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