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Connor Farrell Presents, a Connor Farrell Production: The First Annual Connor Farrell Awards

By Connor Farrell

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Hello! Welcome to the First Annual Connor Farrell Awards, a respected and timeless tradition of baseball.

Well you guys, the season is coming to a close and with the end of the season upon us it’s time to look back and hand out some awards. The editor of RoxPile dot-com, Bobby DeMuro, handed out some minor league awards the last couple of weeks and has big plans for major league awards as we wrap up the season but these awards are different. They offer something that we here at RP feel we have offered all season to the readers, an alternative look at the way we analyze the game.

First off, I want to announce, baseball is the dumbest thing I love. Baseball is like a puppy that won’t ever grow up, it’s frustrating and maddening and I wish I could learn how to control it but every day it just keeps being doofy and peeing on the carpet and rolling in the mud. It makes me wonder why I love it at all, why would I love something that has absolutely lowered my security deposit?

Then that doofy carpet peer hits a walk off home run and I forget all the times I had to stop it from chewing up my pillows. I remember all the best memories it’s provided me and how, no matter what, it’s going to be back.

Anyway, enough of the poetry crap, let’s kick off the awards.

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The Nick Punto Award

The Punto is a coveted and timeless award that will be handed out for the first time this year, the Punto goes to the player that defied all expectations of performance on grit alone. Nick Punto was a short, stubby Italian man with low coordination and talent but high in work ethic and sheer determination to anger opposing fans. The Rockies had a number of guys that could qualify for low in talent but only one went out there defied every expectation we had for him. And that man is Chris Rusin.

In a few years, when the Rockies are good again, Chris Rusin will be one of those names you drunkenly shout and laugh about at the bar with your friends. He’s a guy who turned in a complete game shutout out of nowhere and had several good starts in a summer that offered maybe a handful of them. Rusin, for all intents and purposes, wouldn’t have even made a Rockies roster that actually had a rotation. But the explosion of garbage that was the pitching staff this year forced this guy into a role nobody was prepared for him to have. He didn’t fully impress, he likely won’t make the roster next year, but considering he turned in one of the best performances on the mound this year I can’t help but hand him an award. Congratulations to this year’s Nick Punto winner, Chris Rusin.

The Buster Posey Award

Buster Posey is the worst.

My problem with Buster Posey is two-fold. First, he’s very good at baseball. He likely will be good for a long time, too. This angers me because he plays for a team I hate with my entire heart, I can’t STAND the Giants. The San Francisco Giants beat my favorite team a lot, their media people are a bunch of self-aggrandizing yahoos, and a lot of their fans act like they’ve always been good even though it wasn’t even a decade ago they were in last place. It’s a tri-force of hatred, one that deserves to be pushed off a cliff. I went and saw the movie San Andreas over the summer, a disaster movie in which an earthquake basically destroys San Francisco and I LOVED IT. I watched millions of movie people die and the west coast economy surely crash but I couldn’t push aside my true genuine hate for the Giants and all they do.

My second problem with Buster Posey is that he’s extremely good-looking.

He’s stupid handsome, he looks good after playing sports for three hours. If Buster Posey was in a bar you would want to be in that bar because you know his presence alone would make every man in that bar cooler. I hate that about him. I don’t hate all handsome men; I just hate ones that beat my team. His stupid pretty eyes and perfect jawline can burn in hell for all I care, he’s caused me more pain than any man caused Bonnie Tyler before she wrote “Total Eclipse of the Heart”.

So his award is given to the man who best exemplifies handsomeness while also causing me internal distress at how good he is.

This year’s winner is Buster Posey.

Congrats Buster, you handsome clutch monster.

The Dweeb Award (Formerly the Stephen Vogt Award of Dweebiness)

Stephen Vogt’s latest player campaign “I Believe in Stephen Vogt” is freaking awesome so I removed his name from the award given to the player that best exemplifies dweebiness.

To be a dweeb means a combination of a few things, dweebs usually have no self-awareness that they’re dweebs. They don’t understand that they are extremely uncool.

Tom Brady is someone who you’d think would be a dweeb but Tom’s actually extremely cool because he knows how uncool he is. He does goofy crap on the field, he has no idea how to celebrate anything, he appears in dumb ass commercials, but he doesn’t try to convince you of anything. He knows how uncool he is and that makes him cool.

Dweebs lack that coolness, they’re completely unaware of how the world views them. They think they’re cool, they parade around their dweeby opinions and act like their dweeb clothes and music is at the forefront of trends.

This year’s dweeb award goes to Marc Stout.

Marc is a decent desk guy, he has an entertaining candor to him, he keeps people engaged. Stout has a real problem with being uncool though.

Drew Goodman is cool, I like Drew Goodman. Despite his bad opinions on Josh Hamilton and his inability to say anything negative about the ballclub, Drew is cool as heck because he finds where he’s uncool and makes it cool. He owns it, he’s cool man.

Marc Stout is a dweeb. He yells at people over Fan Friday posts, he’s super goofy on the desk and thinks it’s cool, he’s that one dad that thinks running in the backyard after he runs the sprinklers is going to tear your ACL and makes you and your friends go to bed at 9:30 during a sleepover.

Goofball Marc Stout, congrats on your award.

Part two tomorrow!

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