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Pizza Rat A Colorado Rockies Fan? The Answer May Surprise You

By Connor Farrell

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Yesterday, in an event that has become known as a “flash meme”, a rat of unknown age and origin dragged a full slice of pizza down the steps to the subway.

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Lots of questions have been asked of this rat. Where did he get an entire slice of pizza? Where was he going? Was he catching the A C E uptown? Does he prefer plain or is he more of a pepperoni guy?

But one question wasn’t asked of this daring New York rodent, what Major League Baseball team does he cheer for? Is it the Colorado Rockies?

Well, you guys, I saw no one answering this question so I took it upon myself and after hours of research I’ve come to a pretty startling conclusion.

Pizza Rat is not a fan of any Major League Baseball team.

Rats, according to their Wikipedia page, are long-tailed rodents members of the genus Rattus and family Muroidea. They’re social animals, often working together to build things, escape traps, or even get food. It’s pretty wild, I highly recommend visiting the page if you want to learn about all the things rats do. There’s even YouTube videos of them working to get each other out of cages so everyone could enjoy some chocolate chips, which is actually way nicer than I ever would be so I learned I’m less friendly than a common brown rat.

You’ll notice that in all of these fun facts about rats and all the things they do, I did not mention a penchant for liking baseball at any level. Not even a throw in line like “Rats are big baseball fans but prefer college baseball due to the amateurism and fun team names.”

So, through that, I’ve deduced that rats aren’t capable of liking baseball. They are fairly intelligent creatures but really they don’t have the financial clout to support a hobby like baseball. I mean, even if you’re on the low-end of the spectrum financially and can only afford to go to one or two games a year and can barely afford cable you’re way better off than a rat.

It’s tough to love a sport if you probably don’t know it exists due to being a rat. It’s even tougher to love that sport if you can’t watch it or follow it in any capacity. I wouldn’t be a good baseball fan at all if I couldn’t watch a single game, I would probably like tennis or football or maybe even make up a sport of my own to pass the time such as “see how many paper balls of trash I can make in the trash can over the course of nine hours on a Saturday.”

Rats have never been observed engaging in team athletic activities, even with their heightened social awareness. No scientist has ever witnessed 4-12 rats engaging in a game of pick up basketball and even if they wanted to play where would the rats get a tiny ball and hoops?

If you can’t play a sport, you probably won’t like it. That’s what I always say. The fact is, pizza rat can’t play baseball. It’ll be a cold day in Hell before I ever let a rodent DH for an American League squad and I don’t care if that makes me sound intolerant. Rats don’t often grow to more than 10-14 inches long and a standard major league baseball bat is around 32 inches long so it’s not even practical for a rat to hold a bat. Maybe the rat could be a pinch runner but this has gotten beyond my original point.

Pizza Rat, hero meme and Buzzfeed moniker of our time, would not be a fan of the Rockies. I’m sorry.

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