One Man, One Controller, 27 Outs: Throwing a Perfect Game with Kyle Kendrick

May 22, 2015; Denver, CO, USA; Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) after walking in a run with bases loaded during the third inning against the San Francisco Giants at Coors Field. Mandatory Credit: Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

MLB: The Show is a celebrated franchise for its realism and physics engine, making this an actually difficult attempt. Also, the umpires can be bad just like you’re pitching in real life so I won’t be able to just paint edges all day. Some pitches will be balls that should be strikes, the only difference is I won’t be able to yell from the mound at Bob Davidson as he screws me out of a 3-2 count by squeezing the inside corner.

My first game, I decided to base my opponent on the ballpark they played in. I had to face a lineup that I could easily manage while at the same time limiting gaps and potential for Texas Leaguers. I chose the Seattle Mariners.

Seattle’s offense has been a bit of an enigma this year, the Mariners find themselves seven games below .500 and scrambling to find themselves in a tough but winnable American League West.

The biggest bat I will have to worry about is Nelson Cruz, who leads the team in all Triple Crown categories and is in the midst of his best complete season since 2010. If I just wanted to get a no-hitter I could just walk the guy four times, but a no-hitter is for chumps and weaklings.

People like Nolan Ryan went for no-hitters and I hate Nolan Ryan. He wears the dumbest shirts and looks like your girlfriend’s sort of racist grandpa she warns you about before you go over for Thanksgiving for the first time. No, this is for the perfect game.

Next: The Game: It Begins

May 3, 2015; San Diego, CA, USA; Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) pitches during the first inning against the San Diego Padres at Petco Park. Mandatory Credit: Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Naïve and Full of Whimsy: It Begins

Try One: Colorado Rockies at Seattle Mariners-Kyle Kendrick vs. Felix Hernandez

It’s 8:12 PM EST when I begin game one, I had to work out and eat a dinner fit for an emancipated 12-year-old before I could start (egg rolls and French fries).

Weather is clear in Seattle, we wear the greys. I only hope I accomplish this on my first attempt to make for a boring article but a sleep filled night.

Cruz opens the second inning with a double to left center after a 1-2-3 first. I immediately hit restart and we are on to try two.

Try Two: Colorado Rockies at Seattle Mariners

Seth Smith grounds weakly but it gets by Tulowitzki at short and I lose the perfecto with the second hitter. Restart.

Try Three: Rockies at Mariners

Austin Jackson raps a curveball by Paulsen at first and I don’t even get an out on try three. Mariners looking like a bad choice.

Try Four: Rockies at Mariners

Mike Zunino hits a missed curveball into the outfield in the third and I got to 8 outs this time before losing it. Any slight miss with Kendrick on the bar and he leaves it up, might avoid the curveball unless it’s in the dirt. One last try with Seattle then it’s a new team. Apart from the first game, all the hits have been on the ground, just past people. I already am tired of Kyle.

Try Five: Rockies at Mariners

Austin Jackson pummels a double into the corner in the fourth inning after nine straight outs. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to happen to me yet. I’ve been playing for 39 minutes and have gotten through three innings against Seattle.

On to a new team, I try to go with a team I can manage the lineup rather than with a team I can manage the ballpark. The obvious choice is the Phillies. Two aging, past their prime stars, only one real dangerous hitter in Franco, yeah I’m off to Philadelphia. Kendrick’s going to try to 27 his old team.

Next: Kendrick Won't Cooperate... Or Will He?

Apr 1, 2015; Salt River Pima-Maricopa, AZ, USA; Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) throws during the second inning against the Texas Rangers at Salt River Fields at Talking Stick. Mandatory Credit: Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

Try Six: Rockies at Phillies-Kendrick vs. Hamels

I won’t hit as Kyle in an NL park, I’ll just simulate the AB. No point in slowing this down because it’s going to take a million tries to accomplish this.

I’m in the seventh inning, I’ve retired 18 straight hitters and I’m feeling good. I’ve contained Howard, Utley, Franco, they’re all nothing to me on this day. I watch Ben Revere step in to the batter’s box for the third time. He’s 0-2 with one strikeout and one flyout to center. Ben Revere has no relation to Paul Revere as far as I know, but he steals history like he’s Paul.

Ben freaking BUNTS his way on in the seventh off an outside change up. Hundley can’t get him in time. For a brief second, I imagine flying to Philadelphia and explaining to Ben what he’s done and maybe he’d apologize and allow me to have some money or stay in his house during a road trip. For whatever reason, I hit restart and try again.

Try Seven, Eight, Nine: Rockies at Phillies

As though he’s taunting me, Revere hits a lead-off double in three straight tries. I can’t stand to look at his picture anymore. I think of subbing him out and letting him ride the bench but I know he’ll be used as a pinch hitter in the late innings anyway and my fear of him will return. The anxiety that comes with Ben Revere’s spoken name now ripples through my body, I have played for 90 minutes. It is 9:45.

Try Ten: Rockies at Phillies

I CAN’T GET REVERE OUT.

In the fourth inning, Ben gets to an 0-2 count, fouls off three change ups, then I get squeezed on a 3-2 count and he walks to first. I stop playing the Phillies. I can’t handle this torture. Who is this Ben Revere and why was he placed on this earth to torment me?

I need to pick a team that is beat up, one that isn’t running out the premium roster. Down a star, losing traction.

Who better to pick on than the Marlins?

We head to Miami.

Next: Screw This, I'm Going To South Beach

Jun 12, 2015; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Marlins second baseman Dee Gordon (9) hits into a force out as Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) takes the throw from first baseman Ben Paulsen (not pictured) in the fourth inning at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports

Try 11: Rockies at Marlins-Kendrick vs. Fernandez

Christian Yelich lines a single in the first. I already can tell he will be my enemy for all my Marlins games.

Tries 12-15: Rockies at Marlins

Marcel Ozuna’s swing distracts me, he does a little half swing before the pitch comes in, I can’t keep my eyes on the bar when he does and I miss my spot every time. He raps two singles off me to end two tries in a row. The third try gets to the sixth before Jose Fernandez gets on due to a Paulsen error.

I wish for Ben Paulsen to be traded, perhaps to Siberia, perhaps to Oakland, I don’t know which would be worse.

Try 16: Rockies at Marlins

Dee Gordon bunts his way on in the fourth. No more teams with ridiculously fast guys, I have officially decided.

New Strategy

I’ve decided to just hit random and play whoever they schedule.

Try 17: Rockies at Rays

James Loney single sinks me, I eat carrots dipped in ranch in disgust at letting this happen to me. Next team.

Try 18, 19, 20, and 21: Rockies at White Sox

Jose Abreu single, Jose Abreu walk, Conor Gilaspie double, Emilio Bonifacio on due to a Tulo error.

My Heart of Darkness

This isn’t going to work.

Next: Despondency Sets In...

Apr 28, 2015; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Kendrick (right) is pulled from the game by manager Walt Weiss against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

I’ve been playing nearly three hours now. My mind has begun to falter. I have to work tomorrow, I can’t go on like this.

I can’t quit though, I’ve written nearly 1,600 words on trying to achieve something. I decide to go for glory for my last try, I decide to attack my most hated enemy head on. I schedule the San Francisco Giants.

The Giants are the World Champions. Furthermore, they are stupid idiots that I cannot stand. With three world championships in five years, the players have decided to open up a branch of the Baseball Unwritten Rules Enforcement Legion. Pretending to be sheriffs of the game they annoyingly announce that no one can have fun beating them because they are winners and winners know how to play baseball the right way. Nothing worse in baseball than the Unwritten Rules Committee, not even Ryan Braun.

Not to mention, their media are obnoxious know-it-all whiners. From Kruk and Kuip sitting in the box claiming every Giants loss to the Rockies is some kind of conspiracy to Wendy Thurm deciding a Kershaw no hitter against the Rockies is a perfect time to chime in with some disrespectful taunt that has nothing to do with anything. Oh don’t forget Hank Schulman who got scolded for cheering in the press box once.

The Giants media has single handedly created a rivalry, there was never any hate going the other way. Suddenly, Giants media decided they didn’t like the Rockies and in that moment they decided to pick on a franchise that’s been around 1/5^th of the time theirs has. Like the middle child, the Giants media has decided that since they can’t be better than the Dodgers, they’ll just have to find a weaker opponent to pick on.

Lastly, I hate them because they are stupid good. Pagan, Panik, Duffy, Posey, Belt, Crawford, Madison Bumgarner, it’s like facing an all-star team. But I figure if I can’t beat the White Sox at this in four tries, why not the Giants? I mean really, why not?

We head to AT&T Field. I move the time of the game to the evening and make it overcast. Why clouds? I don’t know, I just felt like San Francisco shouldn’t get to enjoy clear skies anymore.

Next: The 22nd -- And Final -- Attempt

May 22, 2015; Denver, CO, USA; Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) during the game against the San Francisco Giants at Coors Field. Mandatory Credit: Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

Try 22: Colorado Rockies at San Francisco Giants: The Last Stand

I strike out the side in the first. After I get Duffy looking on a cutter, I fist pump in my apartment. This is the greatest single inning of my life. I decide tomorrow I’m going to call the Giants FO and tell them to tell Matt Duffy to “suck it.” I’m living on cloud nine.

The second inning isn’t as easy, I get Posey to ground out and Belt to fly out to left, because they suck.

Crawford is tougher, he works a 2-2 count with a couple fouls, my pitch count is around 40 already but I can’t worry about that now. I get Craw to ground out weakly on a change-up. Too easy. I breathe for the first time in seven minutes. It’s been over three hours since I started the first game. I shake my wrist out, press X and begin the third.

Maxwell is a three pitch K, Blanco a two pitch ground out and up comes Madison Bumgarner. He’s kept the Rockies lineup in check, we only have one hit so far.

I get Bum to 0-2 and then he fouls off four straight sinkers. I start to ready my Madison hate letter, this is trash.

He grounds out weakly to third, Arenado guns him down with ease. I’m through nine outs. I think of calling my mom or my ex-girlfriend from high school that always worried about me to tell them I’m accomplishing something great here.

Pagan leads off the fourth with a ground out. My hands are legitimately sweating now. It’s a good thing this is my last game, my emotions are getting the better of me.

Panik strides in and I get him to ground out on the first pitch. I have nothing dramatic to add.

Matt Duffy walks up, you might remember him in the first when I got him to strike out and I celebrated like I had won Nickelodeon’s Legends of The Hidden Temple. Well I started to worry that maybe video game Matt Duffy had taken offense to that.

I throw a solid sinker down the middle to start the AB, just like I totally didn’t plan to throw. Duffy raps it into center field and Blackmon pulls it down. Fist pump, on to the fifth inning.

The Rockies offense gets a run in the fifth so I’m officially in line for a win, if I can just get 15 more outs.

The fifth starts with a Buster Posey pop out to short. Brandon Belt is up next, I get up 1-2 on Belt before he fouls off a change. I throw a sinker, he puts it in the air near left field.

It drops in front of Barnes.

I yell an expletive, Belt stands on first. I watch Crawford walk into the box and throw him a fastball right down the middle. He lines it over the wall, just like I wanted. 2-1 Giants. I don’t care anymore.

Punk Rock Lives

I go into the game settings and turn the level down to Rookie. I can’t do this, I can’t throw a perfect game with Kyle Kendrick, but I feel like it should be done somehow. I’m going to break all my rules, I’m going to make it so it’s as easy as possible to do this, I don’t care. I just have to do it.

I find a bad Double A team and put Kendrick up against the Binghamton Mets.

Next: Ok, THIS Is The Final Try

Apr 11, 2015; Denver, CO, USA; Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) reacts after walking a batter during the second inning against the Chicago Cubs at Coors Field. Mandatory Credit: Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

Try 23: Rockies at Binghamton Mets

The Double A stadiums are smaller, they don’t have such an expansive outfield, maybe I should’ve been doing this all along. The Double A lineup is so much easier to manage, they will swing at more pitches out of the zone, get fooled on more change-ups. I can’t help but feel this is it. The sun is shining on my face, I will accomplish this journey.

I give up a lead-off single.

I quit.

The Aftermath

I don’t know if this is any good, part of me doesn’t want to post it. Is it even funny? Should I throw in some jokes about Kendrick or Bob Costas announcing my games?

I just know that I spent a night of my life as a single young man in my home attempting to essentially beat a video game. Kyle Kendrick is probably going to throw a perfect game this year now just to spite me, just to show me that he can do in real life what I failed to do in a fantasy world.

I put on an episode of Futurama and slowly laugh my way out of his haze. I tried to run with giants and I was trampled at their feet.

I cannot throw a perfect game with Kyle Kendrick, no matter how hard I try. I guess I could make him all 99 overall, go on Rookie mode, and strike everyone out. But I could just throw a perfect game with Clayton Kershaw if that was what I wanted to do. This was about taking puny Kyle Kendrick and putting him to the ultimate test, 27 outs in a row.

The world will never know that glory, not today at least.

F*** Ben Revere.