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Darald: Dick Monfort
A man of faith, Darald (played by Jack McBrayer) just wants to enjoy his honeymoon with his wife in the island paradise of Hawaii. He’s generally a really good guy that wants the best for everyone and that’s quite obvious. He’s just trying to have an awesome time with his wife in Hawaii.
He’s just really struggling to…hmmm…how should we put this so that it’s family-friendly…ah, yes! He’s struggling to figure it out.
Monfort wants to win. He’ll do what he can to get the team in the best position he can so that they can get back to the playoffs, keep Nolan around, and build a solid foundation for the Rockies. He’s just really, really struggling to figure it out. The World Series? It’s mythical to him. He may never find it again unless he gets some help from unlikely sources.
More from Rox Pile
- A Colorado Rockies Thanksgiving
- Colorado Rockies: What if Todd Helton had played football instead?
- Colorado Rockies: Charlie Blackmon out for the season
- Colorado Rockies: Injuries shift look of roster ahead of Dodgers series
- Colorado Rockies: Has Sean Bouchard earned a second look in 2023?
Matthew: Jeff Bridich
Ah, you thought Bridich was certainly going to be Sarah Marshall, didn’t you? Did you think I forgot about him? Well, I didn’t. I saved him for a character that everyone loathes even more: Matthew.
An annoying server (portrayed by Jonah Hill) who’s overly attentive and obsessed when he gets a chance to interact with his favorite celebrity, he’s someone everyone hates. He thinks he’s the best. Have you listened to his mixtape? Did you…did you get it? No, because he’s just awful and the mixtape probably isn’t good.
He does terrible impressions and no one enjoys them, whether they’re British or a doctor. And after this offseason? We all just wish we could ignore his attempt at being a Major League GM and just go on living our lives.
Chuck (Kunu): Chuck (Nazty)
Can you think of anyone else more quirky and awkwardly awesome that fits the role of Kunu (per the Hawaiian name generator on the internet) better than Chuck Nazty? He hardly even has to change his name!
Just a guy that’s there, living his life and bailing on lemons when they’re handed to him. You wanna learn to surf? Just do nothing. Wanna run less? Just hit more HRs. Most likely to have witnessed someone beat up a guy with a starfish when that guy that got beat up was him? Definitely Chuck.
He’s lovable. He’s awesomely strange. He’s probably the best character around because who can truly hate him? Him and Paul Rudd age just the same (beneath the beard it’s possible, trust me). This fit is too perfect.
Now let’s move onto some specific scenes and I’ll use my super-advanced baseball analytical skills to show you just how perfectly they correlate with this Rockies season.