Connor’s How To: Creating a New Baseball Team

Hello! Welcome to this week’s Connor’s How To! I’m Connor and this is How To!

Last week, we created a viable educational plan that could fit in any school district in America! Lots of fun! This week, we’re going to do something even harder, we’re going to create a baseball team.

I received a letter from one Dick Monfort that asked “Connor, I’ve been trying for over two decades to create a viable baseball team! How do I do it? Can you show me…How To?”

I sure can!

Some of you might be thinking to yourselves “an entire baseball team? But how?” Well shut up and listen that’s the point of this week’s post, dummy!

A baseball team is very difficult to create, from the players to the jerseys down to the parking lot that you will probably need for when people come visit your party deck! Well don’t worry; I’m here to help you out.

Let’s get started!

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Step 1: Creating a logo

Some people think the first step to creating a baseball team is the stadium but they’re stupid! The first thing you want to do is create a sweet ass logo!

Now, a logo is tough. You want to create something that’s easy to recognize and market. If people know what the logo is, they’ll be able to identify your team and purchase the items that have your logo on them with ease. So what could be the best logo? Well what is the most marketable item on Earth?

Coca Cola.

The soft drink outsells tea every year as the number one beverage in the world. More people will drink Coke in America today than will drink water in Africa. Which you might think is a sad fact, but it’s not if you don’t think about it too much. Plus, maybe it just means Africa drinks a lot of Mountain Dew.

But how can we make Coke into a baseball logo? And how can we do it without getting fined for copyright violation?

Well, that is a little tougher to manage. I think the best way to avoid that is to put together a logo that incorporates so many good things that Coca Cola can’t sue or they look like jerks for attempting to retrieve money earned via their intellectual property.

Below is my creation.

I think it’s pretty good.

The Coke can is clearly visible next to the Eagle head making it still a marketable logo and there’s really nothing Coke can do right now to keep this logo off the streets because I put things that are universally loved next to the can.

A bald eagle: the symbol of America.

The name of America’s most beloved actor and world superstar filmmaker: Tom Cruise.

And we’ve named the team as you can see; first we put it in the greatest state in all of the states and second we named it the one thing that everyone loves, friendship.

With the logo definitely done, we move on to the next step in the team building process, creating a roster.

Step 2: The Players

Now it’s time to fashion a roster.

How much time should you spend on a roster? Well, the recipe states between 40 and 60 minutes but if you want a solid roster that wins you should definitely spend more time than that.

Some people, I won’t name them, believe you should whittle a roster out of a pine tree but that is far too unstable to hold the weight required to last 162 games. At the very least you’d be forced to trade for duct table and stabilizing brackets at the deadline and that ain’t cheap. It’s really not a solid way to do things.

Below, you’ll find the recipes for creating the perfect roster.

Pitcher

1 cup onions

2 tablespoons diced cherries

One rock

A dumpster

30 gallons of gasoline

Instructions: Dump all contents into dumpster, light on fire for 1-8 innings.

Catcher

2 Oven Mitts

1/2 cup chopped uncooked steak

4-6 inches of corduroy

10 cups water

1 large pan

Instructions: Mix all ingredients together in pan with a splash of vinegar and bake for 35 minutes or when catcher appears firm and can throw out runners at second. Important: do not overcook, catcher will lose hips and become first baseman.

Shortstop

3 cups cream cheese

3 tablespoons sugar

Bread (however you make that)

Instructions: You are making a cake. Eat half of the cake, save the other half. This half will be your bait. Place bait in woods, catch shortstop. Congrats you have a shortstop!

Outfielders

3 eggs

2 slices of bacon

1/2 cup cheddar cheese

3 tablespoons salsa

1 cup diced onions

Instructions: Pretend you’re making an omelet but at the end throw a baseball in the air anywhere near the pan, if you’ve done it right, three outfielders should attempt to catch the ball. If you’ve done it wrong, god save you.

Now you’ve created a roster!

The last step is the easiest step, you want to build a fan base. People that will love to come to your games and talk about it with their friends over drinks at Orange Juilius and maybe a few lucky fans will find the love of their life at the ballpark and get married right on your field!

Fans are the life force of sports, they are irrational, they are annoying, and sometimes they’re really creepy. But without them, we wouldn’t even be able to have sports. Which is a horrible Catch-22 that we all must live with every day of our sad lives, fans are the lifeblood that keep us all going.

Step 3: Fan Base

Fans are created through a couple ways, the first is through proximity. So where ever we land the team we instantly create fans because people like to cheer for something that’s close to them! So stupid! Do you cheer for everything that’s close to you? I don’t cheer for my couch! Haha! Idiots!

The second way is through marketability, so you take that brilliant logo I made above and you slap it on stuff until people start to cheer for the people that wear it and decide that they want to wear it too.

Sports are trademark of World Fashion, they never go out of style and often define the way we dress for years!

So you just got to brand some sweet shirts, hats, flags, scarves, shoes, pants, backpacks, cars, wrenches, plates, wedding dresses, buildings, avocados, televisions, hobos, Guy Fieri, the Statue of Liberty, hoodies, socks, shoelaces, posters, the new Kanye baby, etc.

The possibilities are literally endless.

So you’ve created a team! Congrats!

Now go out there and win some pennants, scamp!

Don’t forget to tune in next week to Connor’s How To where we create a perfect society where equality reigns while also keeping the competitive nature of capitalism intact in order to keep creative drive alive!

One last time, I’m Connor and that was How To!