Colorado Rockies: The top 10 Rockies killers of the past decade

Maybe it’s a good thing baseball isn’t back quite yet.

Think back to the times where the Colorado Rockies are in the lead late in the game and then that guy comes to the plate. You just hate to see him and his stupid face because you know he’s about to hit a game-tying homer or crush a double in the gap that will cap off a five-run inning that the Rockies won’t come back from. They’re such a terrible sight to see.

Now imagine that the Rockies have to face an entire lineup of those players. Would you ever watch another game again? Probably not. It’d be too painful.

But I am brave. I have faced our ghosts of baseball past and have gone through the numbers to construct a lineup with players over the last 10 years that the Rockies could never beat. The purple pinstripes always brought out the best in them and we wish it could’ve been against another team, but here we are.

Let’s take a look at what this starting lineup would look like (or if you’d rather bash your head into a wall repeatedly then that may work as well).

First Base: Paul Goldschmidt

Oh yeah, like you didn’t know he was gonna be here. Paul Goldschmidt has been an absolute Rockies killer his entire career and it’s a miracle that he won’t be in the NL West for the foreseeable future. The stats say the Rockies got him out every now and then but I don’t believe it.

In 130 games against the Rockies, Goldschmidt has a slash line of .314/.417/.564. That gives him an OPS of .981, which is the exact OPS that Ketel Marte hit for last year and his stat line was pretty good (150 wRC+, 7.1 fWAR, and a fourth-place finish in the NL MVP race). That’s right. Paul Goldschmidt was basically an MVP candidate any time he played the Rockies and that should come as a surprised to no one.

Second Base: Max Muncy

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A Los Angeles Dodger and a punchable face. They go together like lamb and tuna fish. Unfortunately, so do Dodgers and breaking the hearts of Rockies fans in the most unimaginable ways that you unfortunately already know are coming.

And Max Muncy is no exception. In his short time in the majors he has already WRECKED the Rockies with an OPS against Colorado of 1.162 in 32 games. That’s good enough for a tOPS+ of 163. What that means is his OPS is 63% better when he faces the Rockies, meaning we should probably just intentionally walk him every time we see him. After all, the Bonds Treatment would make sense given how close Muncy’s OPS against us is to Bonds’ OPS in 2000 (1.127, which was good enough for a wRC+ of 174).

He’s a great story if you’re a fan of the Dodgers or anyone else who appreciates an underdog. He’s terrible if you’re a Rockies fan and you think about how it feels like there’s no way to contain him. I recommend an American League trades for him, stat.

Shortstop: Trea Turner

Ah yes, Trea Turner. A career .815 OPS hitter who, when he sees the Rockies, decides to jump that up to 1.112 for a tOPS+ of 169. He’s really 69% better when he faces the Rockies? Not exactly nice.

One of the common themes that Rockies killers tend to have is that they’ll have hit for the cycle against the Rockies. Trea Turner did this on April 25, 2017 and then AGAIN on July 23, 2019. If you’re ever in Vegas for a Rockies-Nationals game (once everything opens up again), and you can find a prop bet sheet which will allow you to bet that Turner will hit for a cycle against the Rockies, you should absolutely take it because that may just be the easiest money you’ll ever make.

Don’t let the baby face fool you. Trea Turner will destroy you. We should’ve known better.

Third Base: Wil Myers

No one is more of a quintessential Rockies Killer than Wil Myers. He can’t spell his own name correctly and has a career OPS of .763, which, of course, inflates to 1.044 against the Rockies. A tOPS+ of 170? You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Myers has 21 homers in 80 games against the Rockies. He’s one of two Padres players to hit for the cycle and, yeah, his cycle came against the Rockies … because why not? Of the 9.5 fWAR he’s accumulated, I am certain that at least 9.1 of it has come against the Rockies (please don’t fact check this).

Maybe the move to the brown and yellow color scheme will take away his powers and we won’t have to worry about him being a Rockies Killer any more. At which point we’ll just have to unreasonably hate someone else who’s gonna destroy us like, oh I don’t know, Fernando Tatis Jr. I’m not looking forward to it.

Right Fielder: Yasiel Puig

It’s the bottom of the seventh. The Rockies are 1.5 games behind the Dodgers for the NL West lead. It’s late September and the Rockies need a streak to win the division for the first time in history. This game’s important. Runners are on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out and Scott Oberg‘s in the game. Then Yasiel Puig comes in to pinch hit. You already know what happens next and yes, that basically cost the Rockies the division in 2018.

It should hurt you more to know that the Rockies are the only team in the NL West he was ever really that good against. Here’s his tOPS+ by NL West opponent (sans the Dodgers):

Rockies- 122
Padres- 93
Giants- 90
DBacks- 86

Part of that is Coors since tOPS+ isn’t park adjusted. But a lot of it is he just kills the Rockies. And he does it defensively too. Remember him throwing out Story at third with a rocket from basically the warning track? I do and I hate it.

Center Fielder: AJ Pollock

You probably hadn’t noticed as much because Paul Goldschmidt was tearing things up left and right, but AJ Pollock has quietly been doing some of his best work against the Rockies. And if you didn’t hate him before then you should because not only does he shred against the Rockies, his full name is Allen Lorenz Pollock and NOWHERE IN THERE IS THERE A J!

With 93 games against the Rockies, he’s checking in with an OPS of .924, giving him a tOPS+ of 128. That’s the highest for any team he’s played more than 30 games against. He kills us.

So it’s only right that instead of keeping him with the lowly D-Backs that he’d switch over to the Dodgers where he will almost certainly bury us with a walkoff double down the right field line at Dodger Stadium, assuredly ending any playoff hopes we had. Stupid made up initials.

Left Fielder: Matt Kemp

You’re shocked he’s on this list, I know. Probably the biggest Rockies killer of the past decade, Matt Kemp has built up a stat line that literally could make him an MVP favorite.

In 178 games against the Rockies, his stat line reads as follows:

BA: .314
OBP: .365
SLG%: .611
OPS: .976
HRs: 46

All that for a tOPS+ of 134, his highest against any National League team. It’s just expected he’ll destroy us no matter who he plays for. Remember how Wil Myers was the second Padre to hit for the cycle? Matt Kemp was the first and he did it against the Rockies, of course. Probably did it as a Dodger too and will do it with the (checks notes) …. uh … Marlins this year? As long as there’s a season, he’ll find a way to haunt us.

Matt Kemp is the MVP of this Rockies Killers team and I absolutely loathe it.