Colorado Rockies: The top 10 Rockies killers of the past decade

Maybe it’s a good thing baseball isn’t back quite yet.

Think back to the times where the Colorado Rockies are in the lead late in the game and then that guy comes to the plate. You just hate to see him and his stupid face because you know he’s about to hit a game-tying homer or crush a double in the gap that will cap off a five-run inning that the Rockies won’t come back from. They’re such a terrible sight to see.

Now imagine that the Rockies have to face an entire lineup of those players. Would you ever watch another game again? Probably not. It’d be too painful.

But I am brave. I have faced our ghosts of baseball past and have gone through the numbers to construct a lineup with players over the last 10 years that the Rockies could never beat. The purple pinstripes always brought out the best in them and we wish it could’ve been against another team, but here we are.

Let’s take a look at what this starting lineup would look like (or if you’d rather bash your head into a wall repeatedly then that may work as well).

First Base: Paul Goldschmidt

Oh yeah, like you didn’t know he was gonna be here. Paul Goldschmidt has been an absolute Rockies killer his entire career and it’s a miracle that he won’t be in the NL West for the foreseeable future. The stats say the Rockies got him out every now and then but I don’t believe it.

In 130 games against the Rockies, Goldschmidt has a slash line of .314/.417/.564. That gives him an OPS of .981, which is the exact OPS that Ketel Marte hit for last year and his stat line was pretty good (150 wRC+, 7.1 fWAR, and a fourth-place finish in the NL MVP race). That’s right. Paul Goldschmidt was basically an MVP candidate any time he played the Rockies and that should come as a surprised to no one.

Second Base: Max Muncy

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A Los Angeles Dodger and a punchable face. They go together like lamb and tuna fish. Unfortunately, so do Dodgers and breaking the hearts of Rockies fans in the most unimaginable ways that you unfortunately already know are coming.

And Max Muncy is no exception. In his short time in the majors he has already WRECKED the Rockies with an OPS against Colorado of 1.162 in 32 games. That’s good enough for a tOPS+ of 163. What that means is his OPS is 63% better when he faces the Rockies, meaning we should probably just intentionally walk him every time we see him. After all, the Bonds Treatment would make sense given how close Muncy’s OPS against us is to Bonds’ OPS in 2000 (1.127, which was good enough for a wRC+ of 174).

He’s a great story if you’re a fan of the Dodgers or anyone else who appreciates an underdog. He’s terrible if you’re a Rockies fan and you think about how it feels like there’s no way to contain him. I recommend an American League trades for him, stat.

Right Fielder: Yasiel Puig

It’s the bottom of the seventh. The Rockies are 1.5 games behind the Dodgers for the NL West lead. It’s late September and the Rockies need a streak to win the division for the first time in history. This game’s important. Runners are on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out and Scott Oberg‘s in the game. Then Yasiel Puig comes in to pinch hit. You already know what happens next and yes, that basically cost the Rockies the division in 2018.

It should hurt you more to know that the Rockies are the only team in the NL West he was ever really that good against. Here’s his tOPS+ by NL West opponent (sans the Dodgers):

Rockies- 122
Padres- 93
Giants- 90
DBacks- 86

Part of that is Coors since tOPS+ isn’t park adjusted. But a lot of it is he just kills the Rockies. And he does it defensively too. Remember him throwing out Story at third with a rocket from basically the warning track? I do and I hate it.

Center Fielder: AJ Pollock

You probably hadn’t noticed as much because Paul Goldschmidt was tearing things up left and right, but AJ Pollock has quietly been doing some of his best work against the Rockies. And if you didn’t hate him before then you should because not only does he shred against the Rockies, his full name is Allen Lorenz Pollock and NOWHERE IN THERE IS THERE A J!

With 93 games against the Rockies, he’s checking in with an OPS of .924, giving him a tOPS+ of 128. That’s the highest for any team he’s played more than 30 games against. He kills us.

So it’s only right that instead of keeping him with the lowly D-Backs that he’d switch over to the Dodgers where he will almost certainly bury us with a walkoff double down the right field line at Dodger Stadium, assuredly ending any playoff hopes we had. Stupid made up initials.

Left Fielder: Matt Kemp

You’re shocked he’s on this list, I know. Probably the biggest Rockies killer of the past decade, Matt Kemp has built up a stat line that literally could make him an MVP favorite.

In 178 games against the Rockies, his stat line reads as follows:

BA: .314
OBP: .365
SLG%: .611
OPS: .976
HRs: 46

All that for a tOPS+ of 134, his highest against any National League team. It’s just expected he’ll destroy us no matter who he plays for. Remember how Wil Myers was the second Padre to hit for the cycle? Matt Kemp was the first and he did it against the Rockies, of course. Probably did it as a Dodger too and will do it with the (checks notes) …. uh … Marlins this year? As long as there’s a season, he’ll find a way to haunt us.

Matt Kemp is the MVP of this Rockies Killers team and I absolutely loathe it.

Catcher: Buster Posey

The best catcher of the past decade and he just had to play in the NL West. Do the Rockies ever catch a break?

Buster Posey puts up, as all Rockies Killers do, yet another MVP-like stat line against the Rockies:

145 Games
.975 OPS
26 HRs

And a tOPS+ against the Rockies of 135, his 3rd highest against any team and the highest against an NL West opponent. The last time a Giant put up an OPS similar to Posey’s .975 against the Rockies? Why, it was Buster Posey in 2012 who put up a .957 OPS and accumulated 10.1 fWAR while winning the NL MVP. That’s right. Against the Rockies, Buster Posey is literally his 2012 MVP self. Isn’t that lovely?

Starting Pitcher: Clayton Kershaw

The starting pitcher came down to Kershaw and Madison Bumgarner. Both sport extremely similar ERAs against the Rockies (3.27 for MadBum and 3.28 for Kershaw) and raise their game whenever Colorado’s on the schedule (116 tOPS+ for MadBum and 120 for Kershaw).

A tiebreaker was needed and honestly, it was pretty easy: One threw one of the most dominant no-hitters of all time against the Rockies and the other got in a dirt bike accident on a road trip in Colorado, so Kershaw wins yet again.

Against Kershaw, the Rockies have done the following:

.229/.288/.351 slash line
.639 OPS
282 K

That’s basically like he was facing Tony Wolters (.651 career OPS) every singe plate appearance when the Rockies were on the schedule. And now we have to deal with cute videos of his kid on the mound at Dodger Stadium and everyone loves them and all I can think about is how that kid’s gonna be mowing us down in 2038 and I’m gonna be vomiting profusely because I just can’t take it anymore.

So there you have it. Your Rockies Killers from the past decade. Are you still wanting baseball back? Or are you OK waiting a little longer for the inevitable torture and pain these players will bring to us?