The 2020 Colorado Rockies and Forgetting Sarah Marshall: A Comparison

Let’s just go to Hawaii and forget about how terrible the offseason has been for Colorado Rockies fans. It lied to us. It was terrible. It had different plans for our future than we thought, especially with the recent developments of the season being delayed. We were building it up and we were doing so well, since the Rockies reached the playoffs in back-to-back years! Now, here we are just hoping for another chance to get back there. Were we hoping for a bright future? Of course. But what we’re receiving? Pretty dark and ominous if you ask me.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is easily one of my favorite movies. I can watch it at any time, all the way through, no matter where or when. It is, to me, The Greatest Romcom ever. And recently, I realized just how similar it is to the story of the 2020 Colorado Rockies.

So let’s dive in and see just how similar they really are. Who’s Peter? Who’s Sarah Marshall? What character is Jeff Bridich? Can Paul Rudd save the day? Or will we be kicked out of the Kapua Suite by Dakota Fanning’s people? Let’s start with some character comparisons.

Fair warning: When watching some of the clips I’m including in this article, remember that Forgetting Sarah Marshall is rated R and some of them will contain vulgarity. Your kids will love the language but I know you may not. Just a heads up! Also, SPOILER ALERT is in order.

Sarah Marshall: Reality

All Nolan Arenado wants is a shot at the playoffs. Sarah Marshall (portrayed by Kristen Bell) is not gonna let that happen, though.

Reality sucks. It’s out there with someone bigger and more famous. Truth is it’s been with them for a lot longer than we’d like to know. And as our antagonist, reality is the devil.

Reality doesn’t care about our vision of a Dracula musical with puppets (or just wanting to get a few wins in the playoffs, whatever). Reality is out there doing its thing starring in Baseball Games: Games of Baseball. Reality wants chaos. Reality wants trade rumors popping up from completely unsubstantiated sources and verified Twitter accounts falling for them and the rest of social media going nuts over literal fake news.

It was kind to Nolan before. It tolerated him. Now it’s running around the red carpet and Nolan’s been reduced to the Mutumbo that no one wants in the shot.

It may not be the worst thing for Nolan, though. It forces him out of his comfort zone and it means he’s going to find other opportunities. It never understood his songs, anyways. It got him terrible gifts and has been lying to him for years. Who wants that?

Reality sucks. No one wants to face it because it’s just so terrible. Soon enough, though, it turns around and reality gets what it deserves.

Rachel Jansen – The Playoffs

We all want the playoffs. They’re kind to us and give us the chance at opportunities we never could have had in the past. (The Kapua Suite for multiple nights, free of cost? Sign me up!) And even if we’ve gotta face reality in a really stupid shirt, they’ll be there to help us get through it because they’re the ultimate goal (even if we don’t realize it at first).

Rachel Jansen (played by Mila Kunis) slowly turned Peter’s attention away from Sarah. Peter cried and cried about his trials and tribulations from the highest of peaks (OK fine, hotel floors). Rachel was there for him every step of the way, though.

And eventually, Peter got further than he could have imagined in such a short time. He messed it up but eventually got her back in the end and all was great. She got his mind off the worst thing that’s ever happened to him and helped catapult him into a much better trajectory.

Nolan’s trajectory got him paid. He helped get the Rockies to the playoffs in back-to-back seasons for the first time in franchise history. He got a taste of it and wants to get back there so, so badly.

The Playoffs certainly know how Nolan feels about his current problems but it appears Nolan did something to frustrate them tremendously when things were seeming so good (maybe went back to reality for just a little bit even though he still hates reality?).

The Playoffs are the goal and Nolan would love nothing more than to see Mila Kunis sitting behind home plate at Coors during a World Series. Besides, it sucks all too much that during the playoffs she’s donning a Dodgers hat with Ashton Kutcher. That’s just too terrible for something everyone wants if you ask me.

Aldous Snow (played by Russell Brand): The Los Angeles Dodgers

They’re famous. Everyone knows who they are and for some reason, they just love them. They’re so talented and that’s something you just absolutely hate because they just happen to succeed with everything they do, no matter what. It’s terrible.

They’re such characters with nearly everything they do and man, it just makes you wanna land one right on each and every one of their punchable faces. Man, are they punchable.

But worst of all? Reality’s hanging out with them and they’re having a great time. They’ve BEEN having a great time and it’s been behind your back! Reality’s tagging along for their playoff appearances and multiple division titles and do they really deserve it? Well probably, but Sorrow Suckers are the worst (we don’t know why we call them that).

They’ll have to deal with pain, though. And we’re gonna enjoy it. Some coral got stuck in your leg on a crash? We’ll let it sit there an extra second. Some teams stole signs and probably a World Series from you not once, but twice? That sucks, but are we mad it happened to you?

Hahahaha….no.

Darald: Dick Monfort

A man of faith, Darald (played by Jack McBrayer) just wants to enjoy his honeymoon with his wife in the island paradise of Hawaii. He’s generally a really good guy that wants the best for everyone and that’s quite obvious. He’s just trying to have an awesome time with his wife in Hawaii.

He’s just really struggling to…hmmm…how should we put this so that it’s family-friendly…ah, yes! He’s struggling to figure it out.

Monfort wants to win. He’ll do what he can to get the team in the best position he can so that they can get back to the playoffs, keep Nolan around, and build a solid foundation for the Rockies. He’s just really, really struggling to figure it out. The World Series? It’s mythical to him. He may never find it again unless he gets some help from unlikely sources.

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Matthew: Jeff Bridich

Ah, you thought Bridich was certainly going to be Sarah Marshall, didn’t you? Did you think I forgot about him? Well, I didn’t. I saved him for a character that everyone loathes even more: Matthew.

An annoying server (portrayed by Jonah Hill) who’s overly attentive and obsessed when he gets a chance to interact with his favorite celebrity, he’s someone everyone hates. He thinks he’s the best. Have you listened to his mixtape? Did you…did you get it? No, because he’s just awful and the mixtape probably isn’t good.

He does terrible impressions and no one enjoys them, whether they’re British or a doctor. And after this offseason? We all just wish we could ignore his attempt at being a Major League GM and just go on living our lives.

Chuck (Kunu): Chuck (Nazty)

Can you think of anyone else more quirky and awkwardly awesome that fits the role of Kunu (per the Hawaiian name generator on the internet) better than Chuck Nazty? He hardly even has to change his name!

Just a guy that’s there, living his life and bailing on lemons when they’re handed to him. You wanna learn to surf? Just do nothing. Wanna run less? Just hit more HRs. Most likely to have witnessed someone beat up a guy with a starfish when that guy that got beat up was him? Definitely Chuck.

He’s lovable. He’s awesomely strange. He’s probably the best character around because who can truly hate him? Him and Paul Rudd age just the same (beneath the beard it’s possible, trust me). This fit is too perfect.

Now let’s move onto some specific scenes and I’ll use my super-advanced baseball analytical skills to show you just how perfectly they correlate with this Rockies season.

The scene where Peter helps kill a pig so it can be cooked for dinner and he ends up crying like a baby…again

We’ve gotta be real here. Trading Nolan is going to be a massive storyline this season (it hasn’t been already?) and it’s only going to continue. It’s something we hate thinking about but unless we witness a miracle, it’s probably going to happen. We need to face facts: we’re gonna have to kill a pig.

The scene where Peter knows he shouldn’t go spy on Aldous and Sarah’s room because he knows how much it’s going to hurt him but he just can’t help himself and ignores Brian’s warnings he’s yelling through the phone and he sees them and just stares in disbelief

Is this not any Rockies game in late innings EVER?

The scene where Peter gets an extra shooter of Malibu from the Breakfast Buffet server

When a fan from another team agrees that Rockies players are unfairly punished for playing at Coors Field and are actually great players. This is great when it happens and we love when it does. So what if they’re gonna try to fight us later on when we think they’re gonna be cool about things? It’s about the extra rum in the morning NOW.

When Peter sings about how much he hates himself and how he needs to go see a psychiatrist but he hates the psychiatrist but he should go see one anyway because “Peter, you suck!”

Life as a Rockies fan.

When Rachel congratulates Peter on his Dracula play and he says, “You know what? I didn’t realize it was a comedy. And then someone told me that, and it just like opened the whole thing up.”

There’s no video out there of this scene so if you want to see it, you’ll have to watch it.

We can choose to look at the Rockies season as a tragedy. Going into it the appearance is certainly that it’s very, very dark. But if we view it a little more light-heartedly through the eyes of others? It can be a comedy! That can make it enjoyable.

We know it’s not going to be the brightest of seasons given how the offseason went but if we approach it knowing we’re gonna laugh? Well hey, maybe that was the way it was meant to be.

After all, it’s just about baseball season. It’s the greatest season of all time, just like “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” is the Greatest Romcom of All Time. We’ll enjoy it no matter what because we just can’t help it. We’re gonna get hurt and it’s gonna get real dark and ominous, but we’ll continue to watch it over and over and over and over.

Does that mean sad tissues or happy tissues? No one knows and that’s the beauty of it.