One Man, One Controller, 27 Outs: Throwing a Perfect Game with Kyle Kendrick

Jun 12, 2015; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Marlins second baseman Dee Gordon (9) hits into a force out as Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) takes the throw from first baseman Ben Paulsen (not pictured) in the fourth inning at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports

Try 11: Rockies at Marlins-Kendrick vs. Fernandez

Christian Yelich lines a single in the first. I already can tell he will be my enemy for all my Marlins games.

Tries 12-15: Rockies at Marlins

Marcel Ozuna’s swing distracts me, he does a little half swing before the pitch comes in, I can’t keep my eyes on the bar when he does and I miss my spot every time. He raps two singles off me to end two tries in a row. The third try gets to the sixth before Jose Fernandez gets on due to a Paulsen error.

I wish for Ben Paulsen to be traded, perhaps to Siberia, perhaps to Oakland, I don’t know which would be worse.

Try 16: Rockies at Marlins

Dee Gordon bunts his way on in the fourth. No more teams with ridiculously fast guys, I have officially decided.

New Strategy

I’ve decided to just hit random and play whoever they schedule.

Try 17: Rockies at Rays

James Loney single sinks me, I eat carrots dipped in ranch in disgust at letting this happen to me. Next team.

Try 18, 19, 20, and 21: Rockies at White Sox

Jose Abreu single, Jose Abreu walk, Conor Gilaspie double, Emilio Bonifacio on due to a Tulo error.

My Heart of Darkness

This isn’t going to work.

Next: Despondency Sets In...