One Man, One Controller, 27 Outs: Throwing a Perfect Game with Kyle Kendrick

Apr 1, 2015; Salt River Pima-Maricopa, AZ, USA; Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Kendrick (38) throws during the second inning against the Texas Rangers at Salt River Fields at Talking Stick. Mandatory Credit: Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

Try Six: Rockies at Phillies-Kendrick vs. Hamels

I won’t hit as Kyle in an NL park, I’ll just simulate the AB. No point in slowing this down because it’s going to take a million tries to accomplish this.

I’m in the seventh inning, I’ve retired 18 straight hitters and I’m feeling good. I’ve contained Howard, Utley, Franco, they’re all nothing to me on this day. I watch Ben Revere step in to the batter’s box for the third time. He’s 0-2 with one strikeout and one flyout to center. Ben Revere has no relation to Paul Revere as far as I know, but he steals history like he’s Paul.

Ben freaking BUNTS his way on in the seventh off an outside change up. Hundley can’t get him in time. For a brief second, I imagine flying to Philadelphia and explaining to Ben what he’s done and maybe he’d apologize and allow me to have some money or stay in his house during a road trip. For whatever reason, I hit restart and try again.

Try Seven, Eight, Nine: Rockies at Phillies

As though he’s taunting me, Revere hits a lead-off double in three straight tries. I can’t stand to look at his picture anymore. I think of subbing him out and letting him ride the bench but I know he’ll be used as a pinch hitter in the late innings anyway and my fear of him will return. The anxiety that comes with Ben Revere’s spoken name now ripples through my body, I have played for 90 minutes. It is 9:45.

Try Ten: Rockies at Phillies

I CAN’T GET REVERE OUT.

In the fourth inning, Ben gets to an 0-2 count, fouls off three change ups, then I get squeezed on a 3-2 count and he walks to first. I stop playing the Phillies. I can’t handle this torture. Who is this Ben Revere and why was he placed on this earth to torment me?

I need to pick a team that is beat up, one that isn’t running out the premium roster. Down a star, losing traction.

Who better to pick on than the Marlins?

We head to Miami.

Next: Screw This, I'm Going To South Beach