Rox Pile Exclusive: The player the Rockies passed on to build the Rooftop


Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

You know the story by now. Colorado Rockies’ ownership had the nerve to build a Rooftop, a bar/restaurant/party area thing in Coors Field. This, as the reader can imagine, cost a lot of money. Naturally this created some outrage, specifically in the direction of less-than-popular owner Dick Monfort. That was the kind of money they should be using to improve the team! Typical Rockies owners, not caring about winning!

Thanks to sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Rox Pile has gained exclusive access to the profile of the player the team chose not to sign so that they could instead build the Rooftop/Party Deck.

Name: Joseph McDoesNotExist

Height: 6’0″

Weight: 200 lbs

Position: Center field, probably

Bats: R

Throws: R

Grit: Definitely, very

Plays the game how: The right way, of course

Scouting report: McDoesNotExist is not the kind of player who lights up the stat sheet. In fact, many of his contributions won’t show up in the box score at all…born leader, great in the clubhouse…The ball doesn’t really jump off his bat as much as it reluctantly departs…Wouldn’t say he’s sneaky fast…he’s predictably slow, if anything…professional baseball player, carries himself the right way…

Jim Tracy‘s scouting report: When you talk about a Joseph McDoesNotExist, you have to start out by asking yourself this: what kind of ball player are you talking about? To me, the player is difficult to project because he is not a real person. And when you find yourself in a situation like that, where you are seeking a professional hitter, a professional fielder…a professional baseball player, really…you have to ask yourself this: is the player going to help you, when he is in fact imaginary? Because at the end of the day, you go look the men in that locker room in the eyes and you want to tell them each and every time: men, you were put in a position to succeed today. Ask yourself this: can you do that when you leave this kind of player off your roster? That’s tough. I’m not going to lie, that’s tough. But that’s baseball, gentleman. Period. End of story.

There you have it. The (imaginary) player that Rockies’ ownership could have added with the money (that definitely was not available for the roster) that they instead used to build a Rooftop (which is somehow terrible, or something).