Nevertheless, Rogers finds his roster spot slipping through his fingers. With no minor league options remaining, the Rockies are faced with two courses of action if they wish to move Rogers off the roster:

1. Designate him for assignment, at which point they risk losing him because he would have to clear waivers. Despite all his struggles, it seems to be agreed upon that he will not clear waivers, because teams will see that he has great velocity and figure that’s the most important factor. It’s at this point I honestly wonder what these kinds of conversations sound like. In a room full of baseball scouts and executives, are you telling me there is not one single person who raises their hand and points out: “Yea, he throws 95, but he also kind of sucks.” Apparently not. This brings us to the second option.

2. Trade him. And it appears that despite the fact teams would be willing to claim him off waivers, they might not want to actually give anything up for him. That’s where I come in.

Here are four fail-proof selling points to make potential trading partners excited about Esmil Rogers, to the point that they will happily give up some value for him.

He’s a great pinch runner

You know that situation when you send your burly pinch hitter up late in the game as the tying run, but instead of hitting a home run he draws a walk? Well you certainly don’t want him running for himself. Enter Esmil! He is a converted shortstop and therefore a tremendous athlete. If you don’t believe me, ask Drew Goodman (play-by-play man for Root Sports) who has used the words “exceptional athlete” in reference to Rogers approximately 15,000 times in the past three years.

Emergency shortstop!

Speaking of his athleticism, he can cover the shortstop position in a pinch. You might think this is unlikely, but I bet the Phillies never thought they would need Roy Oswalt to play the outfield. Baseball is weird sometimes.

How am I doing so far? A good pinch runner and a worst case scenario position player in addition to being a mediocre pitcher? I’m wearing you down, I can feel it.

His hilarious self-deprecating sense of humor

Rogers was converted from shortstop to pitcher because of his struggles offensively. When asked about the switch, he famously said that he “batted .300.” When asked to clarify, he said, “Yes. I hit .100, .100 the next year, and .100 the year after that.” The ability to laugh at oneself is invaluable, no? Think of the healthy sense of humor Rogers will contribute to your locker room. And the Rockies would know, because they are experts on clubhouse culture.

His mastery of male grooming

Let’s start with his facial hair. He consistently sports a sleek soul patch and chin goatee combination, one that you might find on a pirate, biker, or an eccentric relief pitcher. It’s part intimidation, part precision, and part pure style. But his skills don’t stop at his personal look. He was nice enough to cut a mohawk for teammate Juan Nicasio. That’s skills, boys and girls.

To recap: in Esmil Rogers you get a pinch runner, emergency shortstop, a great self-deprecating sense of humor, and a barber/male facial hair consultant. I don’t know about you, but to me that signals a new and exciting definition of the whole package.

And he throws 95! What’s the downside? The Rockies await your call.

In college I wanted to impress a girl, so I agreed to watch Saw. It was a tough and grueling evening for me, as I cringed and turned away through the two hours. Somehow I made it through, and in the end it worked out for me because that girl is now my fiancee.

Rogers struck out Matt Kemp in a key moment in tonight's game. Mandatory Credit: Chris Humphreys-US PRESSWIRE

Watching the 7th inning tonight felt like watching Saw. Matt Kemp came up with the bases loaded, his team behind the Rockies by a score of 5-2, and nobody out. The unpredictable Esmil Rogers had just walked Mark Ellis, which did not exactly inspire confidence. In the midst of a long at-bat, he hung a slider to Kemp that looked like it was destined for the concourse, but somehow it was only harmlessly fouled back. And then, after what felt like a torturous 20 pitch at-bat…strike 3! Each pitch of that at-bat, and then the next one which pinned Rex Brothers against Andre Ethier, I held my hands up to my head, peeking through my fingers, in preparation for something terrible.

Brothers went on to strike out Ethier, and I started to think I might be able to relax a little. But then Don Mattingly forced Jim Tracy’s hand by sending up Juan Rivera as a pinch hitter. Yikes! But after I nervously watched him pop up weakly to Troy Tulowitzki, it was finally safe. It was over, and like the night I watched Saw, things had somehow turned out just fine.

Say this about the Rockies this season; they aren’t predictable, at least not in terms of the typical ebbs and flows of games. When Todd Helton electrified Coors Field Sunday afternoon, it felt all but inevitable that the Rockies were headed for a dramatic victory. They lost. Tonight, when Matt Kemp and his video game statistics came to the plate with the bases loaded and nobody out, it felt like the Dodgers were a lock to win. I don’t think we could have even blamed the bullpen if they had gotten roughed up in that situation.

It turned out that the men from the pen were the heroes in a well rounded victory. Troy Tulowitzki delivered a key RBI double early, Carlos Gonzalez stayed hot, and the team manufactured runs when they had to.

Let’s hope the Rockies continue to do the unexpected, as they face their arch-nemesis Ted Lilly tomorrow night.

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