So, as you may have noticed, Christmas is just around the corner. Truthfully, I’m a smidge too big to sit on your lap. Also, I really don’t want to spend hours in the line at Macy’s with a bunch of 8-year-olds standing on my toes. So I’m resorting to this timeless method of communication with you: the letter. An open letter, in this case, so you can leave comments telling me just how exactly you intend to grant my requests. And without further ado, here they are:
1. A jet pack for Dexter Fowler so he can soar from base to base and increase his chances of avoiding the tag.
2. A foam rubber suit and football helmet for Carlos Gonzalez so he can crash into walls to his heart’s content.
3. An appointment for Todd Helton with Miracle Max, because if he can’t find a way to prolong the Toddfather’s career another ten years, no one can.
4. 100 starts for Casey Blake at third base. Not because I really love him, just because I want SOMEBODY there on a consistent basis.
5. Michael Cuddyer‘s contract is mysteriously rewritten to reflect payment in euros, not dollars.
6. A Sharpie for Jim Tracy, so he won’t be as tempted to erase his lineup card every day and start over.
7. Ryan Spilborghs replaces Dinger as mascot.
8. Outfield walls pushed back another fifty feet, to make Coors Field safe for Alex White.
9. The biggest Troy Tulowitzki story in 2012 is his massive offensive production, rather than his walk-up song or his haircut.
10. The team breaks camp with five good starting pitchers ready to hold their own in the rotation.
11. An awesome season for Ian Stewart. I realize this would make Dan O’Dowd look dumb, but Stewart’s success is more important to me than O’Dowd’s reputation.
Thanks Santa. I promise to make sure somebody leaves some really good cookies for you on the corner of 20th and Blake. Hope you have a good offseason.