The Great Cuticle Scare of 2011

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been silent about Ubaldo missing his last start. That’s because I was truly terrified. After all, we were talking about an injury to his pitching hand. When I first heard the news of Ubaldo’s infected nail, the worst thoughts imaginable ran through my mind. Infection?! Is he going to lose his thumb?!

I could barely work yesterday. All I could think about was Ubaldo’s inflamed digit. If they cut it off, will he still be able to pitch? What’s going to happen with his velocity? Is Four Finger Jimenez a good nickname?

By the time my day was over, I had convinced myself that the season was a lost cause. Even if he can pitch without it, he’s going to be out at least a month.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I had a nightmare. Ubaldo was on the operating table. They replaced his infected thumb with the big toe from his plant foot. The procedure ruined his control. In his first game back, he killed three batters, prompting a life-time ban from Bud Selig. It was one of the worst nights of my life.

I awoke this morning to the news that Ubaldo’s cuticle was much improved — amputation was avoided. He will throw bullpen sessions this weekend and start on Monday. I haven’t felt this kind of relief since Entourage was canceled. What? That show is still on the air? Well then, I’ve never felt this kind of relief. In the words of Billy Ray Valentine: Jesus, praise Jesus! l appreciate this! Oh, this is beautiful! l can’t believe… Thank you! l don’t know what to do it’s… Glory be to God! Praise Jesus! Look at me! This is too much! l can’t believe it! Ah, beautiful! Listen… l can’t thank you! First Moses, now this! God, Jesus… l’m so happy, oh God! Look at me, this is too much! What a happy day!

In all seriousness, Ubaldo’s infection sheds light on the importance of proper cuticle care. I’ve attached a little video demonstration. Please watch, this is not a joking matter.

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